I am an IRONMAN

 

At the end of the day… it is going to be the end of the day.

October 2018 has been a month I have been thinking about for many years.  It is the month that marks ten years since the day of my cancer diagnosis – the day I felt more hopeless than I have ever felt. A day I thought my life was over. I knew that getting to October 2018 cancer-free would be cause for major celebration and a great reason to push past my limits and do “my” impossible. I remembered once asking a friend who does IRONMAN why she did it. Her answer was “to fall in love with myself a little bit more.” I totally understood what she meant and I began to entertain the idea that this incredible race could represent my ability to show up every day, do the work and achieve anything – anything! – I want in life. It may sound cliched but the journey to my IRONMAN experience is one I will never forget.

Thursday + Friday

As I packed for Louisville I kept an eye on the weather as it kept changing by the minute. On Thursday it looked like Sunday would be dry but a little chilly so I threw in a pair of arm warmers that I thought I probably wouldn’t wear, a vest that I planned on not wearing and a few other “just in case” items. As I boarded the flight to Louisville on Thursday morning it was clear everyone was headed to IRONMAN.

The days leading up to the race I was nervous. I was nervous because I never wanted something so badly in my life. I was so nervous I was not going to be able to perform and even more worried about things I couldn’t control like the weather or a mechanical problem with my bike. I cried a lot before the race and I am honestly not sure why. I literally started to think about what would post if I didn’t finish. And it really worried me. Why was I experiencing so much self doubt?  I sat down and wrote out my negative thoughts so I could get them out of the way. Then I wrote down all the reasons I was doing this and why I deserved to be at the start line.

I called my coach and we talked about what race day was going to be like and how to manage the negative self talk I was experiencing. Another concern for me was that I would get too emotional during the race. It was going to be a big day and whenever I started to think about how far I’d come or the magnitude of what I was doing I would get emotional. He said “show up on race day like you have a job to do. When you have a job you pull it together and get it done.” That advice really spoke to me and from that moment I adopted that attitude. Another day at the office –  how lucky am I?! I get to do what I love all day with friends and family cheering me on.

Saturday

If you have ever done an IRONMAN you know about the bags – so many bags! One bag for your run clothes, one bag for your bike clothes then one bag for bike specials needs and lastly one bag for run special needs. So basically the run and bike clothes is everything you will need with you in transition from one sport to the next. Bike bag has things like baby wipes, helmet, shoes, cycling clothes etc. and run bag has my running kit, a small towel, mints, baby wipes etc. The bike and run special needs are at the half way point on the run and bike.  I used those bags for backup items in the event that I lost something or something went wrong. Like back up bars, gels and extra hydration if anything fell out and also spare tools for the bike.

Being a newby I was so overwhelmed with it all so I checked it over a million times. That’s pretty much what I did all Saturday- no joke. Other than that I hydrated, rested, and spoke to friends and family who encouraged me and reminded me why I was in Louisville! I made my overnight oats ate and my pre-race dinner. A special thanks to my mom who cooked and brought everything with her. It takes a village to do this!

Sunday-Race Day

SWIM:

I slept really well, surprisingly. (But I also didn’t bank on sleeping well and made sure to be in bed early all week.)

I was a nervous wreck – so on edge – my poor parents! I got body marked and headed to the swim start where the line felt never-ending. I knew it was a downstream swim so I went in the line for 1:20-1:30 finishing. As we stood in line with my parents we chatted with others but it was pretty clear time was ticking away and the swim hasn’t started. Turns out the current was so strong that they had to change the route and shorten the swim, which meant reconfiguring the buoys.

All I could think about was the countless mornings I woke up at the crack of dawn to travel 30 minutes to swim 90 minutes in masters class. I don’t regret those swims but I was bummed because I was trained to swim 2.4 miles! Safety first, though, and I knew it was the best call. The temps were cold — in the 40s – and we waited around from 6:45 am until 9:18 when I finally started!

I jumped in and off I went. I smiled right before getting in the water and tried not to think about what I was in for. The swim was fast – the current was pushing me in all directions and at one point I almost swam right into the bridge. Out of the water, wetsuit off, grabbed my bike bag and into the changing tents.

The volunteers are incredible!! I walked into the tent and someone came right up to me, told me to sit and helped me change. It was raining and the temperature was in the low 50s so I needed to do a full wardrobe change after that swim. I spent around 15 min in transition which was pretty normal considering the circumstances.BIKE

I was looking forward to the bike but once I got on the bike that excitement slowly faded. It was freezing, I was wet, there was mud everywhere and I knew this wasn’t going to be a walk in the park. After so many months of training – sometimes alone, sometimes with others – I thought the bike would be awesome. What could be better than a bunch of people grinding it out, supported with food and restroom stops…not the case.

One thing I kept telling myself – EAT and DRINK. I knew the cold temperature would suppress my appetite and I knew I wouldn’t be thirsty. I made sure to stick to the plan and continue to fuel. But the amount of times I needed to stop and use the restroom was insane! I believe that because I was not sweating at all I was holding on to all the fluid. It got to the point where I literally thought something was wrong with me (if you know what I mean aha).The course was hilly! I did not expect all the hills I was going to face. But on race day I “show up,” and remind myself that whatever goes up must go down. I tried to use the downhills to my advantage because I’m not the best climber. It was pretty clear the weather was getting to people. I passed a lot of people in the medical tent who were pulled over and shivering. Thankfully I dressed properly.

Around mile 30 someone decided to pass me in a tight corner on the right. Needless to say he hit the curb and face planted. It totally shook me up and I swerved around him and continued on. With the rain and the amount of people out there safety is the main concern. I couldn’t believe how reckless he was! But I continued to focus on my safety and riding smart.

Mile 80-ish I felt my tires dragging. This should be the downhill part but I could not go past  about 14 mph and I didn’t know what was wrong. I asked someone riding if my tire looked ok. He checked it out and said it was fine. Then at about mile 100 I heard a rattling noise and lost control of my bike. I pulled over to find my tire completely flat! I think I had some sort of slow leak the whole day.

I pulled over in tears and started freaking out! Everything was dramatic that day! The bike mechanic pulled over and said “Is that Lottie? Why am I seeing you here?!” He quickly helped me changed my tire and reassured me that I was doing great and that a lot of people had already dropped out. I had about 12 miles to go so I was praying the tire would be ok and it was!

RUN

Into the changing tent again – it was warm and there were heaters. A complete change again because of the weather. I don’t think I really understood that I still had to run a freaking marathon. I was just so excited to be off my bike and at that point in the race I knew I was completing this thing. When it came down to it, if I needed to walk the whole marathon I would have time and it was now just a matter of will. And I wanted this so bad!

I started running and I felt so good. I was cautious -why did I feel so good? I tried to be present and just keep moving. I ran through the first 5 aid stations not needing to stop. My goal was to run and walk the aid stations. The course was awesome because you can see so many people since it’s out 7 miles, back 6 and you do that twice.

The first 13 felt like a breeze and I saw a lot of people running were on already on their second loop of the run. In the past that would have really discouraged me but I was just happy to be out there and I knew I was finishing so it didn’t matter what time I finished! One loop done and I stopped at special needs where I had some Skratch hydration and gummy candies. Yes candies!! I saw my parents at mile 13. They were so nervous – “how are you feeling, are you ok?!” Every time they saw me on the course I was smiling and happy which they were surprised but encouraged to see.

I told them I would see them in a few hours and that I was ok and was doing this thing!! At this point it was dark out and probably around 9:00 or 10 at night. I have never run more than 16 miles so I wasn’t sure what was going to happen next! As I continued to jog I looked at my watch; it was so dark out and hard to see but I was running a 12/13 min mile pace! And I was running! I just kept moving forward, which was all I could do. I found that when I would take walking breaks I would get dizzy so I kept a slow jog going. And here came mile 24 – I was almost there OMG!

I could hear the finish line up ahead. I kept doing my slow run but as I approached the finish I picked it up a bit. I couldn’t believe I was almost there I couldn’t believe what I had just done. I finally started to allow myself to feel my emotions, all the grit and the fight I put up just to get to the start line, no less the finish. I started to see people lining the sidewalk letting me know I had one last turn and then I would be at the finish. Tears started to flow, my heart skipped a beat, and there I was turning the corner to the red carpet. And there before my eyes was the FINISH LINE. Lights blinded me and I could hear the pounding noise of people screaming for me! My tears became an uncontrollable sobbing and there was no stopping it. I tried to slow down and take in what was happening. I heard the words “Lottie Bildirici you are an IRONMAN” -words I had been waiting to hear all day, all year. It was over.

Monday:

My goal as you know was to finish – no podium slot was on my agenda. But when I finished the race I found out I was 4th in my age group and I would get an award. I then found out that the woman in front of me turned down the Kona slot and it was being offered to me. WHAT?! A million phone calls later I finally had to accept that it just wasnt going to work out for me to go to Kona because of the Jewish holidays being so close to the race and my family being unable to come and support. It was a tough choice but I know there will be other Konas and I will do it when it is the right time for me!

Life after IRONMAN

As the days pass after the race I keep getting the question –  what’s next? And I cant help but think myself, what next? I wake up every day and I am not rushing out the door to get my workout in and the smell of chlorine is not lingering all day. As much as I have been looking forward to crossing this off my list I can’t help but be sad. It is over. But do I want to do another one? Short answer – yes. When? I think I need a year or two to focus on my work, friends and family. IRONMAN training is like a full time job; weekends are for training and weekdays are always about fitting in training with work. Whenever I would be out at night I would be thinking about my swim the next morning or long run and that I should really go home to bed. I am looking forward to training when I want and what I want. I do want to want to do it again. But the training for a whole year took a lot out of me and I was so focused on mileage and doing my workouts that I lost sight of why I love this sport. There is no greater feeling then coming across that finish line. It is the best and most salient memory in my brain from race day. I hope to do another IRONMAN some day but for now I will bask in all the glory of finishing my first! If you are ever thinking of doing an IRONMAN – do it! Just freaking do it! It will change your life forever. I take the memories from training and from race day and know I can do hard things. I can do whatever I put my mind to. I have proven to myself that with determination and hard work anything is possible. I can forever say I AM AN IRONMAN